if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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