we should wear snuggies to the strip club
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
