I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
