A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
