Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
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