he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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