for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
being pregnant is like rehab
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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