Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
