She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
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