I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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