I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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