Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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