Your mouth is God's brothel.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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