Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
