I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
