hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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