He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I think i got beer on your cat.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
