Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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