My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
