Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
