so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
