there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
