i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
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I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
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He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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