Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
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