i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
