idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
