I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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