Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
