and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
