Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
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He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
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Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My dick has a subreddit