Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize