Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?