I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
