my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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