Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
