Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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