508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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