Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
