I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
