Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
