does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
