im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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