well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
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i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
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I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
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