I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
