I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
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I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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