mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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