the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
ttyl tear gas
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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