I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
