She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
It was like giving head to a cactus.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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