This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
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