he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize