My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
