how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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