My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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