Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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