she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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