how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
